I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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