Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize