i permit you to call me
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
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