I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
