The maid of honor just puked.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
