OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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