Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
