just come out here and I will go home with you...
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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