oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize