i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Randomize
