Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I don't want my vagina anymore.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Randomize
