I think I died a long time ago.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize