i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
