K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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