Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
