Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Randomize