i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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