Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
