How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
