My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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