I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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