happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I am naked and annoyed.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
