I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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