In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
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