You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Did you pee in the oven last night??
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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