Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I've blown a few things in my day
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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