I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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