My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Dear god my vagina.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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