i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
