You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize