My nipple is on Facebook.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
