I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
