Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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