I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
