Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Randomize
