Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
