How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
we're so committed to being not committed
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
