I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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