I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
