good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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