Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Randomize
