When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
