she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
