meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
