Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
