You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
