i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
