My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
