Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Randomize