Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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