so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Randomize
