the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
