We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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