i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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