why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Randomize
