Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
