ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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