I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
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