If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
