I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
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