how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize