how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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