Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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