do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Randomize
