I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Randomize
