I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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